Life is short. Too short in fact to go through it without knowing how to be mad properly. Sure some people try and some people work at it, but how many people get it right?
If you want to be mad, I’ll show you how in three simple steps, then you can go off and do whatever the hell you want to do. (Whoops. Sorry. Blowing people off is the advanced lesson. We’ll visit that another time.)
So You Want to Be Mad
You’ve gone your whole life having fun, enjoying yourself, and being happy. But at some point you said “there has to be more to life!” You know there’s something else, but you really can’t be angry about it because, well, you don’t know how.
I’m here to help. There are too many horns unhonked, too many glares unglared, and too many birds unflipped to keep up with the high demand for anger and acrimony that this world seems to demand.
So let’s get started. I’ll show you how to be mad and how to do it well. If you follow these three simple steps you may never be anything but mad. You’re welcome.
The first way to be mad is to remove empathy. It’s really hard to bark at the cashier for being slow when you realize she’s probably going through a tough time. This could be her second job and she might be struggling to pay her bills. And if you knew that she had medical bills to pay for her husband who’s unable to work, you may find it nearly impossible to say anything nasty at all.
Empathy has a terrible way of making us vulnerable to kindness. Avoid it. In order to really be the best mad person you can be, remove all empathy. Think only of yourself. Which brings us to the second step.
Erase Their Humanity
Thinking of other people as humans with the same goals, dreams, and ambitions as us is the water that will put out your anger fire. Always think of people in terms of “us” and “them”. It’s much harder to hate when you feel a connection and a kinship with those you are interacting with, and let’s face it: we’re all more alike than we are different.
Think of people as animals or deviants or something else. Don’t think of them as people like yourself. Don’t assume that they love their families or that we’d do the same thing they would do if we were dealing with what they were dealing with.
If you want to know how to be mad this is key: treat others as inferiors. Treating them as human beings worth caring about will simply make you love them. Of course, the best way to do this is to use double standards.
Employ Double Standards
In order to be mad, always assume your motives are right. At the same time always assume “others” are wrong. Remember: they aren’t like you. You are good. They are bad. So everything you do is right because you’re good, and everything they do is wrong because they’re bad.
If you want to know how to be mad the right way, then make sure never to utter the phrase “there but for the grace of God go I”. It’s not that they have different challenges and understandings. It’s that they’re bad and you’re good.
They didn’t give a big offering at church because they are greedy, unlike you who didn’t give a big offering because times are tough. They didn’t volunteer too much this year because they are selfish, unlike you who didn’t volunteer too much because you had a sick relative.
Always expect the worst in others; never see the flaws in yourself.
Go Get Mad
If you want to be mad, it’s simple: just stop caring. Whatever you do, don’t always assume positive intentions. Don’t think that maybe others are dealing with pain or hurt you don’t know about. Never focus more on helping someone in pain than griping about your own discomfort.
That’s how to be mad in a nutshell. I know it seems kind of hard. Some of you may decide it’s too tough and you may just choose to love people even when they are hurting. Some of you may come to a realization that you find it more valuable to help others than to go on a rampage. Still others of you may simply not see the point of bringing more pain into the world.
For those of you that are left, I guess there’s only one question: what’s the pain that brought you here, and when will you be ready to let it stop making your decisions for you? It may be a tough question to answer. It might make you mad. That just may mean it’s time to answer the question.