Something tells me most people don’t die a little inside when they look at their calendar. I do. And I check it every day.
My Daily Routine
Because I struggle with depression, I can’t count on my mood to help me do the things I want to do. In fact, I don’t think almost anyone can. For that reason, I have developed some very strong habits to make sure I stay on track even when I’m having a soul crushing day. That way, when the pain is over, I can be back on track instead of miserable that my life has stalled.
One of the things I do: I look at my calendar almost first thing. I meditate for 5 minutes then look at the calendar for the next week. I like to know what’s coming up and who’s birthday’s are on the horizon. But quite often when I look at the calendar, my heart cracks.
A Broken Heart
My calendar tells me all kinds of things that are on the horizon, including events, meetings, and travel. And when I see travel, I feel the rift in my heart.
My kids don’t live together. My oldest, Joseph, lives in Georgia. My youngest two, Tristan and Evan, live in New York. I live in New York, but either travel once a month to see Joseph or he travels to meet me.
I spend a lot of time with my boys. We play games online. I call them every day. I write them letters once a week. All of that when they aren’t with me.
And although I make sure we all play games online a couple times a month when we aren’t all together, my heart’s still broken. And every time I see that travel, it takes me out of whatever I was thinking about to remind me my heart is split in two.
Making the Best of It
My life is what it is. I make the best of it. I enjoy my kids and work to give them the best life I can, challenges and all.
But I can’t do anything else. I have no teleporter, no time machine, no magic wand. All I can do is work within the realities of my current situation.
It’s all any of us can do. We all have challenges. We all have loved ones we don’t see or we have seen for the last time. We might deal with obstacles or problems that most people don’t understand.
We can sit and be upset about it. There’s no “but” here. That’s the end of the sentence. It’s fine to be upset. It really is okay. Life is hard; don’t feel like you have to feel a certain way. Sometimes we need to feel the stuff we don’t want to feel.
And hopefully, sooner rather than later, we move forward. We find ways to continue on despite the pain, even when we don’t know the right direction in which to head. We can’t change the past, but we can build a better future. We can find ways to focus on the positive to put joy and happiness into our bucket for the future.
Life isn’t always easy. It’s often painful and hollow. But it’s also glorious and beautiful. To make the most of it, work to replace the pain of what’s missing with the joy in what’s there. That’s the best way to mend the cracks in you heart.